You. Still. Always.

I texted you awhile back, told you about the program I was thinking about. You never replied. It's been almost two weeks (I think. I will NOT check my phone).

Sometimes things seem good with him, but other times, they're just... not the same. How can I expect everything to be the way it was with you? Half the time I was miserable, wishing things were so different. But now they are and I just can't stop thinking about us. Together. How weird it was at Christmas to be part of someone else's Christmas and not yours. How I didn't celebrate Hannukah or your sister's birthday. What will I do on the 4th of July?

I don't think I can handle that. With everything else in my life being such a mess, how can I deal with this constant feeling that I did something wrong? Is this something I will regret the rest of my life?

I Texted You

I texted you last week, when I said I wouldn't. I couldn't help it. I felt miserable knowing I didn't get into my program and I just wanted you to talk to me again. You replied for a little bit, then stopped. I don't know what I said wrong, but I'm beginning to think it isn't about whether I did something wrong or not. I think you just need to grow up.

I'm tired of wondering what you're up to or what you're telling people about me. I just want to be done with this. I don't want to see you around or avoid places because you might show up there. I want to have a real life where you don't exist.

At all.

Snow Day

It snowed all night last night. I woke up this morning to piles of it, perfect for sledding, and all I could think about was our conversation Monday-how you wanted to take me sledding, since I've never been.

It's taking every ounce of willpower I have not to text and ask you to go with me today. I've run through our earlier conversation what feels like a hundred times. Are you struggling as much as I am? Is it just as hard for you not to pick up your phone and text me?

I found what would have been the perfect birthday present for you- a belt made of an old bike tire. It looks really cool and the fastener is made of this bike chain kind of thing. You'd wear it every day, I'm sure. Would you hate me if I sent it to you? Probably.

I know you were right (and I guess I said it too, so I was also right, in a way) when you said we just weren't going to work and that it wasn't anyone's fault but I can't help but blame myself. If I had just learned to mountain bike or gotten better at climbing faster (I never really mastered anything beyond a 2) or been less absorbed in my own misery, then we could still be together now. Would that be the best thing for us? I've known plenty of couples who have been on and off for awhile and then ended up making it work. Could we have been one of those? I secretly hold out hope that one day we'll meet up and realize we're still crazy about each other. Will it be too late then? I feel like it's already too late now. I had my second chance and I wasted it, freaking out about jobs and school and not paying any attention to what you were going through. Maybe this is what's best for both of us. I just can't see how this is a good thing, constantly fighting my desire to talk to you, see you, hug you.

It All Started...

It all started that morning in theater class my senior year of high school. You were THAT kid, the one who everyone thought was just a ridiculous underclassmen acting out for attention. And maybe you were, but I can never really go back to seeing you that way. Not now. Not ever.

We tried for so long and I'm still haunted by the idea that maybe somehow a way exists to make everything go back to normal, like it used to be before everything fell apart. I know you're seeing her now, just like I'm seeing him, but I also know you're suffering the same way I am. I can't eat there because that's our place, can't listen to that song, watch that TV show or talk about that one time because they all belong to you. I've settled for comfortable and easy, but have a definite longing for the exciting and unpredictable, a longing I will never be able to fulfill.

Will these feelings ever go away? Can you make them? I can hide them, deep down, pretending that the reason I'm always almost crying is stress or tiredness or anything but what it really is, but for how long? And to what end? To watch you slowly fade away and become only the most bittersweet memory?